I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
