capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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