worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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