My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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