I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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