wrigley field is MILF paradise
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Drunk is not a location!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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