it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
