When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
