happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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