I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
