You can't special order awesome
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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