Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
