new low.... made out with someone while peeing
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
