Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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