last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
