HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
