My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
