Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
