My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
