I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
