So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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