i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
