The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sext me about skeletons
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
