the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
