For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
