I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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