The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
