As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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