i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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