She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
