Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im six kinds of drunk right now
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
