I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I want to fling myself into the sun
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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