After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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