Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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