I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize