Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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