just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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