I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
