Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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