how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
