so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
