Pregnant stripper...not hot.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
