you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
