I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
