why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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