So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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