why didn't you poke me back
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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