just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
