Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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