Where did you get a picture of my penis
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
